Fighting in a Sack

Not even two months ago, I resigned from my position at a company-that-will-remain-nameless to take a contract job as a public relations representative with a major aircraft company in town. I would be filling in for a (much) more experienced person who would be taking six weeks maternity leave. The contract job was merely meant to be a three month stint, but the gentleman who hired me mentioned to me (twice) the possibility of being hired on full-time at the end of my contract.

Not even two months later, the person for whom I was substituting is now back to work and I am now, officially, the third wheel. It’s worth mentioning that I haven’t been a third wheel since high school. Anyway, I was informed on Tuesday that a position “could not be grown” for me because the department is taking an entirely different direction. They were now looking for a “season” speech writer. However, I was told I was a lifesaver and I did a great job. If they were looking to fill a lower-level public relations representative, I would have definitely been in the running. Needless to say, I was (am) devastated. Since I am leaving in less than three weeks, I have been relegated to performing duties that would otherwise be neglected because the rest of the department is too busy (i.e. creating inventories, sorting through stacks of old magazines for company coverage).

I can’t complain, because I’ve had a blast and met some really great people. I still don’t know why/how I was hired for even this temporary post. I had practically no marketing or public relations experience save one or two class projects, but nothing professional. I must have an impressive resume — or something.

Since Tuesday, I’ve been scrounging around the company to see if there was another position for me. I think this is the most proactive I have been in some time. No luck. Yet.

Though it isn’t ideal, I’ve decided to go back to my old job. This time things will be different. As a matter of fact, I met with my old/future boss over lunch and made him a couple of proposals. He like what he heard and I’ll be moving up (slightly) in the customer service company. And I’ll be getting paid slightly more. For the first time in forever, I’m excited to work there. The way I see it, my new position/responsibilities will at least bolster my resume even if the place shuts down within the next couple of years. I’ll have a more impressive resume and I’ll get a nice severance package (or even a decent job offer from headquarters). Who knows?

Blogging isn’t exactly time consuming, but I somehow never had time for it over the last several months… How on Earth did anyone survive without my witty contributions to the World Wide Web?

For those readers (two) who didn’t know, I lived in Brazil (like you care) for two years as a missionary. I couldn’t even begin to describe how much I loved it, idiosyncrasies and all. I found this list elsewhere and thought I’d share it. Personally, I think it’s hilarious - only because it’s too true.

You know you are in Brazil (on a mission) when…

• …you show people your baby picture and comment there are so many cute babies who grow up to be ugly people.
• …you see a delivery man at 2 in the afternoon taking a leak on the side of his own truck parked in the street.
• …when you get shocked by your electric shower at least once.
• …when the blisters you have from walking so much begin to have blisters of their own.
• …if the electricity goes out at night, not only will you not get any sleep, but because your fan stopped working, you will likely catch Dangue Fever. Thanks Brazilian mosquitoes!
• …you no longer think it’s out of place to see someone having “a devil” exorcised from them by their preacher.
• …(if you’re American speaking Portuguese) no one can understand you until you tell them that you are actually NOT an American, but you’re from southern Brazil. Suddenly everyone can understand you without any problems.
• … people living in the ‘grotas’ don’t have food to put on their tables, but have enough cash for a cell phone, a television, satellite, a DVD player (or VCR) and enough booze to get them wasted almost every night.
• …you promise yourself every day that if you EVER see a missionary walking after you get home that you WILL give them a ride!
• …you never knew people could always be so happy.
• …nearly all of your companions are native and are converts to the Church (so awesome!).
• …you confuse the English word for “preservative” for the Portuguese word “preservativo”.
• …when the number on a house has absolutely NO meaning whatsoever. There are usually three other houses with the same number on that single section of street alone.
• …you come to realize that soccer is not the pansy sport you always thought it was growing up and that Braailian soccer really IS the best in the world!
• …you never knew that coconut juice could taste so good.
• …you would rather throw yourself in front of a bus than listen to another ‘pagode’ song.
• …when, after it’s all said and done, you’ve never been happier than in that amazing place at any other time in your life.
• …rainstorms are stronger than your umbrella.
• …streets were made more for kids to play soccer on than for cars to drive on.
• …houses are painted every color imaginable.
• …people think you are from Germany and ask you to speak English.
• …there are so many buses you aren’t sure whether you need 221A, 221B, or 221C, etc.
• …your bathroom garbage can fills up faster than ever before because flushing toilet paper is not allowed.
• …drinking juice with a couple sugar ants is no big deal to you.
• …you stop asking what else is in the feijoada, because you really do not want to know!
• …you have never eaten so much meat in one setting.
• …rice and beans are part of every meal and you still crave them.
• …you eat popsicles that are cheese-flavored.
• …you have never seen so much tile and linoleum.
• …you have never seen so many beautiful, green trees or so many different kinds of bugs.
• …when you look from horizon to horizon and see nothing but skyscrapers and other tall buildings, you know you must be in Sao Paulo. Seriously, there is no end to that city.
• …it is a complement when girls hiss at you.
• …3 drunk men accept baptism every night.
• …pizza comes with ketchup and mayonnaise.
• …girls get baptized just so they can get closer to you.
• …if bread and water becomes a satisfying breakfast.
• …if you have a tan line on your chest in the shape of a tie.
• …you can enter almost any house you want to.
• …90% of the people will tell you “yes” but are lying.
• …you eat better food than you ever have in your life
• …you’re at church the Sunday of carnaval and only a handful of people are even there, because they’re all either visiting relatives in other parts of the country, or they’re all on the youth retreat for the weekend.
• …you teach Joao Batista (John the Baptist).
• …you meet people with the first name of an American president and a common Brazilian last name (ex. Andrew Jackson Gomes, Abraham Pereira).
• …you get schooled by an 8 year old kid in soccer.
• …6 year-olds still breast feed.
• ….they drink scorching hot drinks when it’s a toasty 98 degrees outside.
• …all you need to clean ANYTHING is a bucket, a broom, and laundry detergent.
• …you’ve never heard so many superstitions in all your life (i.e. Don’t eat or drink anything cold when you have a cold; When you feel tired you must have low blood pressure and need salt; If you want to lose weight don’t drink water with your meal because you’ll gain more weight that way, etc.).
• …sharing your weight is a common conversation subject.
• …you never knew that dogs could be so inappropriate
• …people tell you you’re too fat or thin and you’re not supposed to take offense.
• …you’re considered “blonde” even if you have brown hair.
• …you are never “almost kissed” by so many people upon introduction in your life.
• …you have to really be careful where you step in the streets, because every there’s a pile of you-know-what every two feet.
• …you leave the CTM and realize the Portuguese people speak in the street is completely different than the Portuguese you learned. It seems like an entirely different language!
• …you’ve learned more about Darwinism speaking with “espiritas” than you did in Biology.
• …walking down the street seeing pots filled with headless chickens, fully feathered, with wine and beer bottles, surrounded with lit candles no longer surprises you (Macumba).
• …bologna and butter on a French roll is a very tasty breakfast or dinner.
• …cockroaches can fly.
• …you sleep with the fan on all night, not only to keep you cool, but to keep off the mosquitoes.
• …buses take off with people still hanging half-way out the door.
• …there is no such thing as personal space (or passenger limit, for that matter) on buses during rush hour.
• …half the favela population is on the beach on any given day, rain or shine.
• …everybody stops whatever it is they’re doing and the city shuts down when the Brazil national soccer team is playing.
• …soap operas actually have a storyline and an ending (that’s what people have told me).
• …some of the poorest people you’ll ever meet are some of the happiest and most generous.
• …you can smell piquí anywhere it’s cooked. And you know (even hours later) who ate piquí for lunch when they breathe on you.
• …avocados are a smoothie
• …church members chit chat with their neighbors in their underwear and waive at you when you pass by.
• …everybody wants you to eat lunch with them.
• …people take hour bus rides to get to church.
• …you can never look at a magazine stand the same way ever again.
• …motels aren’t places your family stays when you go on vacation (they charge by the hour).
• …no shirt, no shoes = NO problem.
• …everything is “just a little further” (Está bem aí).
• …bottles of broken glass are your security system.
• …barbed wire doubles as a clothesline.
• …you eat CAKE for breakfast!
• …when mom or dad take off their flip-flop, you know they mean business and you’re going to get it.
• …you think about trying out for a bobsled team after pushing so many cars out of the street and then push-start the car again.
• …strong youth that you can’t wait until they are the leaders in the ward.
• …stray horses eating out of trash bins.
• …underwear is optional.
• …people don’t get embarrassed when their neighbors see them naked… just when missionaries do.
• …showering outside is normal.
• …people water the dirt in front of their house.
• …you use Guava Marmalade opposite your peanut butter for a sandwich cause it´s cheaper than jelly.
• …your yard is cement… and you water it faithfully.
• …you can’t finish a sentence without accenting it with the finger-whip-snap-thing…
• …your dream of a white-picket fence house becomes one of a 9-foot iron gate with spikes on top.
• …you actually begin to believe that a cold is caused by drinking cold water.
• …you clap at people’s front gates.
• …flip-flops become acceptable footwear for any occasion.
• …English swear words are always mispronounced.
• …people constantly ask you (in butchered English): “What is your namie?”
• …you’re awoken every morning by pagode music blasting out someone neighbor’s window.
• …you’ve been mugged at least once.
• …you’re told never to walk in the dark.
• …people never go to church on Sunday because someone’s always coming to visit and they need to make lunch.
• …lasagna is not made with tomato sauce, but with ham.
• …you eat ketchup and mayonaise on everything.
• …you avoid drinking tap water.
• …you can never eat enough. Even when you can’t eat anymore, you’re always obligated to eat more (you might offend someone).
• …no one thinks twice about raw sewage in the street (especially when they flood after heavy rain).
• …typically American cuisine (hot dogs, hamburgers and pizza) are topped with corn and peas.
• …air conditioning does not come standard.
• …you miss carpet.

Yes. I am the worst blogger in the world. I am a world-class lame-O. I haven’t been updating as much or as often as I should have been. I’ve been busy. So stop complaining. It’s not like I have more than two(?) regular readers anyway. To those two readers, I will let you know, hopefully things will change soon.

Anyway, here’s some things that have been going on as of late:

I finally graduated from college last week. I quit my job this week. I had been processing an endless stream paperwork for an important company for the last 5.5 years. I am not upset to go. I will be working public relations for another important company. The job is only temporary - but could be temp-to-hire. I need to make this transition worth my while and work my butt off the next couple of months.

Just for your information: public relations pays better than customer service.

In case you couldn’t tell, I’ve become a huge fan of Flight of the Conchords. Just ask my DVD and CD collections, respectively.

I would encourage everyone to pop over to their site at Sub Pop for some free MP3s and give them a listen. I will say this: the songs a quite funny, but they are funnier in context. There’s plenty of clips hanging around YouTube.

Jewel’s classic song “Who Will Save Your Soul” was playing over the speakers at worked the other day and I remembered that I kind of liked that song at one point. In fact, I thought I liked the song so much, I ordered the CD through a music club. I put the disc in my player and quickly realized, no matter how much she pleaded, she was definitely not for me. Whatever.